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You may have noticed there sure have been a lot of lobster posts here on Nutmeg Disrupted lately.

And I have one more to put up.

I feel a bit stuck right now. Not in a rut so much as just avoiding a place where I am not sure I am ready to go yet. But if I don’t now, when?

Funny how death does that. Pulls the rugout from beneath your feet. Brings such clarity. Makes you question your choices and decisions.

After a nasty physical confrontation with some members of my family which caused my first son to be born a month early, I decided to walk away from my family.

That was almost 15 years ago. And I never looked back. Pride, fear, and anger fueled my stubbornness.And I have never regretted it for a moment. It was what I needed to do. Like a crushing weight being lifted off my chest.

Until now.


My baba died earlier this year.

I don’t think she ever knew what had happened. Why I left and never looked back. I always meant to go see her. But fear can be a very powerful emotion. So many times I wanted to go see her. Or write her a letter letting her know she was always on my mind. And yet, I did nothing. Because I was just so damn scared.

My regret is huge. Really there are no words to describe how very sorry I am. To walk into her funeral with my son, now 13, her never having ever met him. It breaks my heart on so many levels. I guess this is my punishment for my decisions. My lack of action. My stubbornness. For letting my anger with some, ruin relationships with all.

As I sat listening to the stories at her service I started to remember. Remember all the times we spent together. All the things I learnt from her. Of how alike we were.

She was the first member of the family to be behind the camera. Her gardens were nothing short of amazing. And though her food was simple, it was all about the love she put into it. For her family.

So many regrets. My heart is indeed heavy. As I wait for the never ending winter to go so I can find some sort of peace in my garden, I cook through my grief.

She may not have known it, but she was one of my hugest inspirations.

This is a soup she would make. Simple ingredients fresh from the garden!

I remember sitting in her kitchen watching, learning, eating.

Thank you Baba. xoxox

Borscht 2


8 – 9 large beets

2 cups of carrots (cut into coins)

2 cups of green beans (chopped)

1/4 cup of fresh dill  (chopped)

 1 large onion (chopped)

salt & pepper

To prepare beets: Leaving about 1 inch of stem on give beets a wash. Fill a large pot with the beets. If you have large and small beets, use 2 pots, one for each size. Cover beets with water and place on high to bring to a boil. Once it begins to boil turn heat to medium to continue cooking. Small beets take 15 minutes, larger ones take up to 30 minutes. You will know they are done when pierced with a fork. Strain beets and plunge into cold water. Taking a knife remove stem end, the skins will just slide off. Give a quick rinse under cool water and slice into a bowl or soup pot.

veggies for borscht

Add the carrots, beans, onions and dill and cover with water.

Bring to a gentle boil and cook until the carrots are cooked through.

Serve with cream or sour cream.














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Emotionally I just can not seem to be able to focus.
Working through so many memories of past,  the emotions I still carry.
My thoughts are with so many.
And my heart breaks for each of them.
It is a nightmare no one should have to experience.
Unfortunately life doesn’t work that way.
It does not gently pick and chose who will stay and who will go.
I know the feeling of a community in mourning.
The incomprehensible sadness of your friends dying.
I also know that kick in the chest, can’t breath tunnel vision you have when planning your sons funeral,  writing his obituary.
It tears your heart out, looking for the perfect words to tell the world you have to say good bye now.
The only sound you hear rushing in your ears while you wander through a room of boxes…..looking for one for your child.
Those are the most pround moments you can experince.
You never imagine saying good bye to your child.
It changes you forever.
As I look around social media I see friends, and even strangers reflecting on life in light of this weekends accident.
Trying to make sence of something that will never make sence.
That is the funny thing about accidents, it is in those few seconds so many lives are changed forever.
It doesn’t matter your age.
Or your circumstances.
And no matter how bad we want, wish or pray for it to be different, it is not.
There is no going back.
I know how unfair it is.
How scary it is when your friends needlessly die on the side of a highway.
To see the mangled wreckage on the tv.
To release balloons into the sky.
To pray for those in the hospital, clinging to the hope they will be okay.
When good people are ripped from your life and world forever.
How it makes you question it all.
How it makes you feel guilt.
Perhaps you think, why them and not me.
Be there for each other.
Just  to remember and cry.
And be angry and mad.
And hopeful, because there is still one Warrior fighting a fight.
He needs your prayers right now.
Then you need to try and push that anger to the side.
It helps no one.
It is toxic.
And carrying it around will not make your friends come back.
Or change what has happened.
Now is the time to honor them.
It will help you begin to heal your shattered hearts and give you something good to cling to right now.
And if you can somehow turn that anger into something positive for not just right now,  but years to come would truely be a way to honor your lost friends.
You will remember this time for the rest of your life.
And you will one day look back, without the tears and not quite so much pain.
Of course, I can not help but think of the other family in crisis.
Because no matter how angry everyone is, they are indeed victims as well.
All because of a really bad decision.
That is all it was.
I can not imagine the burden this young man will carry for the rest of his life.
For he surely never set out to end his night taking the young lives of so many.
I pray for those young men, I never had the pleasure to meet.
And I pray for their moms.  For strength to get through the next hours, days, week, and weeks to come.
One breath at a time.
And of course the rest of their families and friends.
May you all find comfort in  each other.
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A pie for Mikey……and Dylan.

A pie for Mikey……and Dylan.

It is amazing how the food blogging – Twitter community has come together in the past week or so over a loss of a fellow food bloggers husband.

I know for many, it has made us all stop and reflect about those we love and what is truly important. And to send love, hugs and peace to a person, who was so in love and now in such pain.

I do not personally know Jennifer Perillo,  but her Tweets have been heart wrenching.  And she has not been far from my thoughts this past week.

Which of course, makes my thoughts turn to the one special person I have lost.

His name is Dylan, he would be an amazing, energetic, fun loving 10 year old, who was taken far to young.

And even though I only got to spend 20 hours with him, he has profoundly changed my life forever.

And still does every day.

Because the world looks a little different when your child dies.

In her grief Jennifer has made one request, but I will let you read her words, for she explains it best.

Here is my Creamy Peanut Butter Pie.

For Mikey and Dylan.

Appreciate those you love WHILE  you can.


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