Nutmeg Disrupted

You may have noticed there sure have been a lot of lobster posts here on Nutmeg Disrupted lately.

And I have one more to put up.

I feel a bit stuck right now. Not in a rut so much as just avoiding a place where I am not sure I am ready to go yet. But if I don’t now, when?

Funny how death does that. Pulls the rugout from beneath your feet. Brings such clarity. Makes you question your choices and decisions.

After a nasty physical confrontation with some members of my family which caused my first son to be born a month early, I decided to walk away from my family.

That was almost 15 years ago. And I never looked back. Pride, fear, and anger fueled my stubbornness.And I have never regretted it for a moment. It was what I needed to do. Like a crushing weight being lifted off my chest.

Until now.

My baba died earlier this year.

I don’t think she ever knew what had happened. Why I left and never looked back. I always meant to go see her. But fear can be a very powerful emotion. So many times I wanted to go see her. Or write her a letter letting her know she was always on my mind. And yet, I did nothing. Because I was just so damn scared.

My regret is huge. Really there are no words to describe how very sorry I am. To walk into her funeral with my son, now 13, her never having ever met him. It breaks my heart on so many levels. I guess this is my punishment for my decisions. My lack of action. My stubbornness. For letting my anger with some, ruin relationships with all.

As I sat listening to the stories at her service I started to remember. Remember all the times we spent together. All the things I learnt from her. Of how alike we were.

She was the first member of the family to be behind the camera. Her gardens were nothing short of amazing. And though her food was simple, it was all about the love she put into it. For her family.

So many regrets. My heart is indeed heavy. As I wait for the never ending winter to go so I can find some sort of peace in my garden, I cook through my grief.

She may not have known it, but she was one of my hugest inspirations.

This is a soup she would make. Simple ingredients fresh from the garden!

I remember sitting in her kitchen watching, learning, eating.

Thank you Baba. xoxox

Borscht

8 – 9 large beets

2 cups of carrots (cut into coins)

2 cups of green beans (chopped)

1/4 cup of fresh dill  (chopped)

 1 large onion (chopped)

salt & pepper

To prepare beets: Leaving about 1 inch of stem on give beets a wash. Fill a large pot with the beets. If you have large and small beets, use 2 pots, one for each size. Cover beets with water and place on high to bring to a boil. Once it begins to boil turn heat to medium to continue cooking. Small beets take 15 minutes, larger ones take up to 30 minutes. You will know they are done when pierced with a fork. Strain beets and plunge into cold water. Taking a knife remove stem end, the skins will just slide off. Give a quick rinse under cool water and slice into a bowl or soup pot.

Add the carrots, beans, onions and dill and cover with water.

Bring to a gentle boil and cook until the carrots are cooked through.

Serve with cream or sour cream.